The dream!

When you dream at night, usually the things you do there will never come to life. Why then should our aspirations be called dreams? Well I personally think that to dream is to live the desired life, whether one day it may come to pass or whether it does not. I can guarantee you, if I can dream it, so can somebody else. It is not a matter of you want to achieve something on your own, but a matter of knowing that many others are working on achieving exactly what you want, just that they too are not aware of the others in the struggle. This is how I come to my dream, our dream!

Today, I am living the life that I have always planned, worked hard and aspired to. By this age it had been my intention to be working, done with school and out there making money. I dreamed this, and it is happening. It is a dream, among other dreams that I am making come true. I believe that one should live each day like it is the last, but I also believe that my plan on earth has not been fulfilled yet. It is in that way, that I look foward to the dawn of a new day, and in that way that I am making deeds today that will overflow to my tommorow.

I met a woman, pure reflection of me, just clothed differently. We walked the same roads and did the same deeds, but were both so blind to our true nature. After self discovery, we found each other too in the process. And that is when I realised that my dream, was her dream. Now we are meditating upon it, working hard towards it, willing to climb the mountains and break our legs while striding to it. It is that dream that keeps us so pure, so secure in each others presence, because we both know, are wise, that the power of a human mind can cause much distruction, as well as creation. Which is why everyday we create the path to that dream, sometimes get tired and rest at the side of the road, but later pick up from where we left off and walk that dream. We live it, breathe it, and I know it is ours.

This is how you make me feel when…

This is how you make me feel, on the first day that I met you, when our eyes connected and you touched my soul, I was elevated. To a space and time where clocks cease to move and where the air is thick with scents of sweet roses and lovely lilies. You made me feel like I could touch the sky, with my fingers play with the clouds, and with my feet dance in the sun. You smiled and I knew that heavens sure have a door for your smile opened way to a new destination and the road to that place covered in gold, draped with white laces and satins, twists and turns showing me that this was a place for expectations, elevations, love filled moments and dances in the rain. You made me feel, and I felt it, it was love.

This is how you make me feel, when you come into my haven, shake the ground in which I walk on. You whisper to me, your voice soothing, sending vibrations that connect and make sweet melodies that make me float on clouds unseen. You touch my skin and the madness of the intensity makes the hairs on my body stand, my toes tickle, my hands sweat, my head spinn, my heart pounds and my breath for a second ceases to leave my nostrils as I revel in these sensations. With you in my life, this is how I feel.

This is how yo make me feel when you look into my eyes and now tell me lies, your voice no longer the soothing melody, your eyes no longer conveying passion, when you now forget how to touch me, when you now forget to whisper in my ear. When you now shout at me to get your message across, when you just leave the room everytime we have to talk. When you now raise and angry hand and threaten to paint my face red, when you no longer hear the truth that slips from my lips as I tell you over and over again that I need you, love you and will always be faithful to no one but you.

You make me feel helpless, my voice silent as you not hear the words that I say, you make me feel angry, as I throw back the insults and push through you when you raise that hand, you make me feel like an animal, when I have to howl and cry begging you not to leave, begging you to listen to me, begging you to tell me the truth. You make me feel stupid, when the accusations fly, the insults sting my ears and send tears down my eyes. You no longer make me feel, and this is how you make me feel when I do not feel love.

When the love has been forgotten, the pain domination our haven, we fail to remember how we made each other feel, on that first day we met, on that first time I touched your lips, on that first outing, on the day we met each others parents, we forget the sensation of us touching, of the soothing whispers in our voices, of the fire burning in our eyes, we forget.

Love when you come and go, this is how you make me feel!

Is it me, or are we all in this together?

Do you know how you meet somebody, and you just think that i want to be with this person no matter what. In most cases you already have a man or a woman, but things just change when you meet this one. Without letting your lover go, you get to know the other person, seeing if things could work with you two, and if he or she is worth letting your lover go for. If they dont work between you and the stranger, you fall back on your lover ofcourse. No love lost there, just another moment in time. Now where is the line?

You are single, you meet somebody who is actually worth your time, you get to know him, thing turn out beautiful, you think that the dry spell has finally left your realm. You grow with him, still intouch with your exes, still getting new proposals everyday, but you do not mind, because he is there, and for that moment he is all that you need, and want! Then your man starts working up, now he’s barely there, then he dissapears completely. You are left wondering what the hell did i do so wrong, wasnt that good? You finally let go after he tells it to you that he just has zero love or attraction for you anymore. You have to beleive him, just because he says so.

But when you have fallen for somebody, everytime you come across them, you see their picture, you smell their perfume from another guys passing by, or any other reminder of him, you fall right back in love with him all over again. I swear, I have seen it with me, and i hated every second of it. Because now you love a man, who just does not love you. Sometimes he comes back, reminds you, and you are left with what ifs and all that other stuff. How it would be if he had not been hit in the head by that other woman who was better than you, lol.

Am I making sense?

Anyway, life goes on, you meet a whole lot of new guys, you try them out, not necessarily lay them, but anyway you try to date, just to make sure that the phrase life goes on is still valid. After a frantic, result less search, you give up. Finally see that love is just eluding you and you need to relax, by yourself for a while. That is when you learn!

You learn how to be a player, you learn how to draw the line between love and sex, you learn how to make men fall inlove with you  and practically worship the ground you walk on, you learn how to chow a mans money and give him nothing back. You learn, I know, i have been there. But you also learn that love is just a word, and that the fuel behind most relationships is mutual attraction, desire to be with a person for a long period, the job between the sheets, and just a view of that you could build very strong emotional attatchments to this person. Well most of us are generally lazy, that is why it is so hard to find a man or woman to settle down with.

Im losing my point here, but i was saying, when you are tired of looking, or of waiting to be found, you sometimes resort to settling for an ex (what you had) or just somebody who will tell you that do not look for a future in this, just a mutual undestanding that we can hang! Whoa my head is spinning from all this thinking, but really now, is it just me, or are we all in this mambo jambo together…i know im not alone!

The legs of time

The year is so brand new, the times are so different, the air smells sweeter, the paths winding hiding other paths, the rain feels fresh on my skin, the thunder frightening this time. The world is different, with every hour a new revolution, with ever minute a new birth and a stale death. The papers determine our moods, the televisions tell us what to do, the magazines make us wanna lose weight, our friends tell us from wrong to right.

We walk on the streets, run in the fields, we pick some flowers, we blow dandelions, we fall and scrape our knees, we climb trees and skip ropes. We go to school for the first time, we loose our teeth and grow new ones, we sit on dady and grandpas laps and listen to tales, we bake scones in the kitchen and help momy with the dishes. We grow breasts and hips, then we like boys, we start wearing short skirts,and put on make up so that they can notice. We have our first swig of alcohol with our toxic buddies, and have our first inhalation of nicotine with the boys from our class.

We further our studies, meet new people, grow further away from our parents, learn to play with independence. We start sleeping with the boys, stay out late for longer, have all nite parties a day before that major exam, we start smoking weed and joining the Rasta movement. We attend all nite poetry gigs, and we have an obsession for words ryhming, player hating hip-hop heads. We lose ourselves in those moments, we find a new identity, we strive to fit in, and we lose our heads in those moments.

We start wearing stilleto heels, having three way conversations on achivement with strangers, we walk down empty passageways, passing by an odd old white man who dont even see you passing. We start swiping our bank cards away, start eating at expensive restaurants, hanging out with the BEEs, whooshing around in expensive Audis and Mercs. We climb the corporate ladder, be the boss in our own offices, have bills as high as Mount Everest. We barely call our previous friends, sometimes send money back to the parents, live expensive lives, and everthing seems as if it has always been like this.

Then you wake up one morning, this time find space to reflect,  and in that space, you realise your failures and achievements, how different your life is from that childhood dream. You look back on all the love lost and the love not gained and you realise that you left the love of your life some where in the growing struggle. You shed a tear for all those lost lives and the new additions to your precious life, and finally you acknowledge the change. This is you, your life, you made this, you breathe this, it feeds you, its what drives you.

Then you smile for its a new day, you go out there, smelling the sweet air, raindrops sliding down your face, you buy the newpaper, it sets your mood, you pass by the television, and it tells you what to do, and you laugh out loud, for it is all a cycle. You have just been walking, walking on the legs of time.

How to deal?

Life could not be more perfect before the dreadfull monday when i was told that someone close to my heart had almost commited suicide.

We had both been laughing and carrying on as usuall, little did i know that the mind of that person was under so much poison and evil. How else do you explain hurting yourself so that you can get rid of anger and pain? Well before the person did it, they told me that “Sindie, i feel like cutting my wrists up”, i replied jokingly that i also feel like cutting mine up. The person snapped and went quiet for a very long while. i realised that the person was being serious, they were actually feeling like that. I made an emergency call and the person dully answered, i asked if theyd done it, they dropped the phone.

Never had i felt so responsible for another persons hurt as i did that day. i panicked, did not know what to do becuase i could not get to that person anyway. i cried for a long while, before i realised that there was nothing i could do about it now. it had been done, the person had not listened to my pleading not to do this. i had to deal with the problem then, because had the person not known me, maybe they would not have hurt themselves.

I called again and after a long while got through. The person sounded so weak, so displaced and they cried. Told me there was blood everywhere and that they were scared. all i could do was go silent and wish that this day had not come. after getting back to my senses, i tried consoling the person and told them to try get some help. My person was alone, nobody could help them and my person had to help themselves. i convinced them,my person, to get up and find something that was going to minimise the bleeding. i asked if they could call me again coz i had run out of airtime. my person agreed.

I waited for that call for an hour, panick filled my mind and i had all sorts of thoughts going thru my head. i feared the survival of my person. at some point, they called again. My word was turned upside down for that long a time, and i did not realise how easy life can go, that when my person cut themselves up i would also feel the pain. My person survived though, but life has not been the same for them. the road to recovery has been filled with so many hiccups and emotional disturbances. But i just cant let my person go through this alone. so everyday i call and find out how they are doing, the person hurts, but every time i call, i seem to bring some life into the persons life.

Respect life (my person), and it will also respect you.

One Love!

you’re everywhere i am

i hear your voice inside my head, everywhere i am. softly the laughter that was always on your lips wakes me in the midst of the night, i turn around to see you standing at the door and i realise that you are not there, but inside my head. i look into the bed and next to me lies your beautiful daughter, twitching, extending a hand and pulling my hair. i softly laugh back cos it was your laughter that woke me in the first place.  memories dont always have to make you sad, this i believe…

Just yesterday you were here, telling me how to conduct myself in the work enviroment, advising me on how to go about the dating game,nurturing me, helping me to grow, just yesterday you were here. Yesterday we woke up into a new day and thanked the Lord for our lives and today im waking up alone and thanking God for our lives still. I thank him for the time spent, i thank him for giving me such an angel and i thank him for your life. In your place i thank him for the blessings he gave you and in my place i thank him for my own abundant blessings…today i thank him.

I hurt no more for God has heard my despairing cry, i weep no more for he is holding me close to his chest, brushing my face and wiping those tears away, i fear no more because i have seen that he is keeping me safe under the shadow of his wing…and i pray furthermore because indeed i need Him in my life.

Today i live happily knowing that this is what you wanted my life to be like, i smile because i know in spirit you will be there when i walk down the isle and when i hold my own baby, i rejoice for i know that now you have ascendend into a purer form, are now an angel that walks by us, guiding us in all walks of our lives. I praise for you had fulfiled your destiny and your work on earth was done, i bow unto the Lord for he has taken away your pain and given you a new life in heaven with him…

I look into the darkness and there thoughts of our time spent fill me,  and i smile for those times were glorious in their ups and downs. Indeed you are everywhere i am. wounds heal and time fades away the hurt, but your memory will live on for you made your mark in my life. I wount forget about you, i will merely forget the pain and you still will be everywhere i am.

I just felt like dropping you these few lines so that you could find your peace with me and i find my peace with you…

the sweetest taboo

The tenth commandment sayeth thou shall not covet your neighbours house, may it be their wife, husband, servant, donkey, as long as it is anything that belongs to your neighbour. This brings me to the question that is hot on most friends heels: do you or do you not covet

Where do you draw the line between making yourself happy or making your aqcuaintances happy? Well one would agree that making yourself happy is the ultimate thing that you can do, making others happy just falls inbetween. For those who know the story behind my theme, let it stay that way, but this is my side of the story. Do you realise that the worst thing you can do is the one thing that most fulfils you. People make rules and I ask who the hell said that? the answer never comes up because we all hear these lines from one person or the other. i like making my own rules, based on my feelings and on manipulating situations to my benefit. i recently got engaged into a situation that made me win some and lose some. various people commented, criticised, judged, got hurt, didnt understand, but most of all, the people overlooked my happiness.

I am in the journey of tasting the sweetest taboo, and it is so sweet. I broke the commandment but then i ask myself, if i hadnt done it, would i be this happy or would i be busy grudging over what could have been if…. well i took that step and decided to draw my own destiny, i decided to be selfish so that i could be happy. Lord knows how long it is going to last, but he also knows that im never going to regret my doing. i might have hurt ppl along the way, broken trusts and made discomforts, but i found myself happiness and love. That for me is enough to say that nothing is Taboo, everything is just a matter of choosing to walk in that path, guarded or unguarded.

Im sorry my friend for causing you that hurt, im sorry my heart skips a beat because of this person, im sorry for breaking the tenth commandment and im sorry that i will be seen as that girl who…….. life is about taking chances, i took mine, one amongst many. This is just what i think, andazi ngawe.